The Body Awake Preface

10 January 2002

Before I get into what The Body Awake is, I want to share part of what led me to seek this out to start with. I’ve never been physically active with any regularity, other than dance. I’m more the 'short bursts of intense activity' sort, followed by longer bursts of nothing. Most sexual abuse survivors begin their healing with the body aspect, as it is more tangible and readily worked with. I began working at an emotional level, and then spiritual. I didn’t decide until around 1998 that I was going to start working on my body, which culminated in realizing I had a few food allergies and eliminating the things that aggravated my body. Exercise was still characterized by bursts. I held that pattern until 2000 when my bursts of activity became more frequent, and I weeded out still more foods.

Last year (2001), in January I began working out aerobically and with weight training 3-4 times a week. By March I had lost weight, had good stamina and strength, and was pleased. That same month we were in a car accident, which left me with some annoying injuries. They weren’t bad, but persistently flared up. I spent 6 months seeing a chiropractor 2-3 times a week. I also spent 2 months in physical therapy, trying to heal a hip injury that I sustained running, after the car accident.

When I finally got the hip injury under control, I began working out faithfully again. I had learned something in that down period after the accident. That was the first time in my life that I was willfully working out in a healthy manner, for healthy reasons (to be healthy, not to just fit a body perspective), and as a result of the accident, for the first time I was physically unable to be as active as I wanted to. It was actually a novel position for me. The irony was actually quite painful and a valuable teacher, as by the time the hip injury was healed, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically devoted to a regular workout regimen. It seemed that my cycle of bursts was over.

Shortly after Thanksgiving of the same year, I began having recurrent problems with the injuries from the car accident, which conflicted greatly with exercise. I sought medical treatment for it, and began another cycle of physical therapy. For the first month of it, nothing seemed to be helping. Now that I’m about a month and a half into it, the pain has eased up some, but I’ve also finally realized that the recurrent aspect of this means there is another level to these injuries than them just stemming from the car accident. There is a reason that I tend to hold onto sickness and injury longer than it needs to be in my body. I've been thinking more and more, that the frequency of injury, or being in an environment I know could make me ill are not in and of themselves what make me sick, or once ill, keep me sick. It is that my immune system is shot from storing the stress of child abuse all my life, which makes me more susceptible to picking up everything going around, and not healing quickly from simple ailments.

When I had this realization early last week, I started having constant body memories. It was as if my body was responding to that idea, telling me that I was on the right track—-it does have leftover tension to heal, which complicates current physical conditions. I started having the stress reactions that I usually only have in the case of death of a loved one, relationship trauma, or during the abuse itself… These are reactions that I ONLY have under extreme duress, triggered by an event in my life. Only this time there's no external trigger, only my body confirming that it's had enough.

More than just telling me that my body holds onto illness, it's telling me that it doesn’t like movement, which attests to my pattern of bursting into exercise, then dropping it completely. My body is very peculiar about being touched, in ways that I can't readily explain. I love the exuberant feeling after a workout, or a run. And I always see and feel the results that physical activity brings me very quickly. But tearfully I realize that this feeling of exuberance is not enough to get me to do it. I realize that I don’t know what is enough to get me to create and stick to a regular workout routine. I know the health risks of not being in shape. I know that my body craves the attention and exertion of exercise. I know that I can look and feel better. The summation of all of those things still isn't enough. Other than understanding that by NOT doing it, I know I’m ignoring what my body needs, which means I’m not living in state of Grace. And if I don’t feel Grace in my life, I’m not being true to myself. That is the only reason I will take care of my body.

I feel now just how much I have held in my body. I’ve always known that I was holding it in some kind of reaction to the abuse, but I didn’t understand just how much, and to what degree. I see that while emotionally and spiritually I could dissociate and separate as the abuse occurred , which both took me out of and away from body sensation, my body itself never had that luxury. It had to stay right here, where it is in 3D reality, feeling it, taking it, and then coping with my reaction to it all by freezing up, and subsequently having to accept my slow movements to re-awaken my body.

I guess the thing I’ve realized most is that physical exertion has an extremely painful emotional counterpart to me. The action of it, the concern with people looking at me, the actual commentary that other people make as I’m working out—-whether it be “hustle” or “your ass looks good” just makes me want to die and never move. Just sit perfectly still until no one can see me anymore. And I guess that’s it—-I guess that is what it stems from—-lie perfectly still, don’t even breathe and he will see that I don’t like it and he will stop. Don’t act like I enjoy it and he will stop. If I don’t move, I will not attract attention to myself; therefore, no one will figure out what happened to me. Except that in reality, none of those are true. Lying still did not stop anything, him, other peoples' comments, or attracting attention. But the habit of freezing breath and motion stuck, because otherwise, it makes me scared. It makes my body feel out of control, and feeling that I can't control my body from a physical standpoint makes me feel in danger.

As I am a shamanic practitioner, I've done a lot of talking with the Spirit of the North about this. The North is the direction of Body. South is Spirit, East is Mind, and West is Emotion. She came to me; I did not seek her out, but I listened to what she had to say. The North told me that she will help me, that she will help me hear and feel my body’s signals better, and give me the knowledge of how to fulfill what it wants. I’ve been good at recognizing its signals for years, but i haven't always known what to do. I know that with her I have that help, and with all of my guides and Spirit. But she is the one who actually connects and channels the healing into my body itself.

She gave me the idea that there is a very special kind of physical work that is missing in my healing process as a survivor of child sexual assault. That’s why I’ve been chronically sick, battling body image from the age of 6, paralyzed... Because I don’t want to move—I’ve been scared to. The North told me that she will show me a physical regimen that is targeted at finding the movements that will help wake that body love and get me through the pain of that process without me being self-defeatist or giving up. It’s not a touch therapy, like TFT, or even reiki. It’s also not a workout, though each of those things certainly have their place in restoring the spiritual, emotional and physical energy balances. I know that my own unique movement is what is needed to heal this, and with that thought, she said “This is your body, awake.”

I’m not really liking how it feels to be awake, at this point. But I understand from her that I have a way to change that. I have a way not just to workout and cope with the feelings in my body, but to reach in to the things that have been trapped there and heal them, take them out, and bring in health in their place.

So, that’s it. The North is going to show me, one bit at a time, how to do this awakening. I will update the site, each time she shows me a new technique. Please understand I’m not advocating for others to do this, particularly if you have a health problem that would pre-empt it. I’m just sharing what she tells me. I don't know of a technique that has this express reason for release in mind, even in my own physical therapy and alternative healing training. It’s something that I’ve asked for, for myself. Perhaps it can release body negativity for other survivors as well. I ask that if you do try it, feel free to print out the pages, but please do not redistribute this information in print form or elsewhere online without my express consent. For more information about this, read the site disclaimer.

The physical routine in The Body Awake is not meant to be a meditation, or physical workout. It is specifically a mindful physical expression, and a spiritual one if desired, allowing the body to release the negative energy that held it frozen during and after sexual assault.

If you are not familiar with chakras, or chakra systems, there is some good info at these sites:

If you have any questions or feedback on The Body Awake, please feel free to contact me via email. As well, if you do try it, I'd like to hear how it went, what your perceptions were through the routine, and if you've been shown similar or any other techniques for releasing this sort of body tension. I'm free to correspond, in general, really. If you are a survivor of sexual assault and you are looking for a support forum, feel free to stop by Saferoom. If you are interested in shamanic work together, please read about my shamanic practice to get a better idea of what I do. I will be offering an advanced shamanic class on The Body Awake later this summer. Read my Class Schedule for a full description and listings.

Be well!
     ~SKH


© 2002, S. Kelley Harrell